01 — Investor Relations

Correspond With the Firm

The firm maintains three desks for inbound correspondence. Route your inquiry to the appropriate desk below. Misdirected mail will be restructured and forwarded at a 2-and-20 handling fee.

United States

Securities and Exchange Commission of the Pit

Washington, D.C. 20549 (spiritually)

Form IR-666

General statement of investor relations, pursuant to Section 13 or 15(d) of the Moshing Exchange Act of 2026

Private Equity

(Exact name of registrant as screamed in its charter)

State of incorporation: Delaware, obviously

Commission file no.: 666-00-PIT

Employer ID no.: 88-1348666

Registered office: 66th Floor, The Obsidian Tower, New York, NY (elevator access revoked)

02 — Departments

Route Your Inquiry

Written correspondence only. The firm does not accept phone calls; the hold music is us, and it never stops.

FORM LOI-1DESK 01

M&A Inquiries

(booking)

Promoters, venues, and festivals seeking to be acquired for one evening may submit a letter of intent to the desk below. All engagements are structured as leveraged buyouts of your stage, your PA system, and your audience. Exclusivity is assumed. Due diligence is loud.

Direct to
ma@privateequity.band
Subject line
LOI — [VENUE] — [PROPOSED DATE]
Enclosures
Term sheet, stage dimensions, certificate of insurance
Response time
Five business days, or immediately if the guarantee is absurd
FORM 8-KDESK 02

Media Relations

(press)

Members of the financial and music press may request interviews, promotional assets, and comment on pending litigation. The firm does not confirm or deny rumors; it acquires them, restructures them, and re-releases them at a premium.

Direct to
press@privateequity.band
Subject line
MEDIA REQUEST — [OUTLET]
Enclosures
Credentials, circulation figures, flattering adjectives
Response time
Three to five business days; same-day for cover stories
FORM 13-F(AN)DESK 03

Shareholder Grievances

(fan mail)

Holders of record of one (1) or more strong feelings about the band may file grievances, declarations of loyalty, and requests for autographed instruments of debt. Every filing is read aloud in the boardroom and entered into the permanent record.

Direct to
grievances@privateequity.band
Subject line
GRIEVANCE — [YEARS HELD]
Enclosures
Optional. Artwork will be laminated
Response time
All grievances are acknowledged; none are resolved

This page constitutes neither an offer to sell securities nor a solicitation of an offer to buy anything except merchandise.

All correspondence becomes the property of the firm and may be read aloud on stage, set to music, or both.

Do not send demo tapes. The firm does not invest in competitors; it delists them.