Verse I

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to the greatest show in hellPrivate Equity presents: your company’s farewellWe roll in with spreadsheets like a cavalry chargeLaser pointers blazing, acting like we’re in chargeYour mission statement’s adorable, we’ll frame it on the wallRight next to the pink slips and the “synergy” protocol

Verse II

We’re downsizing with flair, rightsizing with a grinTurning your life’s passion into quarterly spinCubicle gladiators fighting for their 401k bonesWhile we feast on the carcass in our custom tailored thronesRebrand your bankruptcy as “innovative disruption”Then charge you consulting fees for your own destruction

Verse III

Confetti made of severance, balloons from deflated dreamsWe throw a victory party funded by your broken schemesThe boardroom’s our coliseum, you’re the sacrifice todayHail Private Equity — the gods of MBA!

Verse I

Suit up, boys — it’s time for corporate sorceryWe summon hostile takeovers with pure bureaucracyBriefcase full of voodoo, Excel runes glowing brightWe hex your cash flow and short your future overnightYour founder’s vision? Quaint. We’ll auction off the artWhile we cackle in the corner office, tearing it apart

Verse II

We optimize the heartbreak, monetize the tearsTurn water cooler gossip into leveraged buyout cheersHR sends the death squads in business casual attire“Best place to work” my ass — we set the whole thing on fireYour culture’s now a PowerPoint slide titled “Lessons Learned”While we yacht away laughing at the bridges that we burned

Verse III

Encore! Encore! The crowd demands another killWe bow in our Brioni suits and sign the final dealYour legacy’s a punchline in our private equity playEternal portfolio — hip-hip-fucking-hooray!